The Evolution of Friendship Across Different Life Stages
“Friendship is an organism that shifts its shape across our lifespans, according to our abilities and our availability,” says Lydia Denworth. From childhood to old age, friendships play a crucial role in our emotional, mental, and physical well-being. Let’s explore how friendships evolve across different life stages, highlighting their significance and transformative power.
Childhood: The Building Blocks of Social Development
During childhood, friendships are our first foray into social interaction outside of family. These early bonds are often based on shared activities and proximity. Lydia Denworth’s work shows that the ability to make and keep even one close friend in childhood is vital for emotional development and well-being.
Reflecting on my own childhood, which involved living in different parts of the world, the friendships I formed were often transient but still impactful. This aligns with Lydia’s observation that “in the United States anyway, where most people are going into a new school in sixth grade, in middle school, that friends, two thirds of sixth graders change friends between September and June. It’s just such a time of flux.”
She further speculates that this might be “a metaphor for what the trajectory of our adult life looks like from the start to the finish, maybe you hang on to a handful of the same friends, a lot of the others come in and out for periods of time, depending on where you are and how you spend time together.”
The transient friendships of my childhood made me more open to new people and experiences. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I’ve built a podcast where I’m guaranteed to never stop meeting new people.
Adolescence: Identity and Belonging
As children transition into adolescence, friendships become more complex and emotionally charged. This period is marked by a search for identity and a desire for belonging. Lydia Denworth explains that adolescents are acutely aware of their forming identity and the social hierarchies within their peer groups. She also discusses the impact of moving during adolescence, and how it can be hard for kids to make friends when they have moved around a lot throughout their childhood.
In my junior high days, the social hierarchy was all about the right gear. Air Jordans were the ticket to popularity for guys, and jeans had to be Girbaud, label and all. The pressure to fit in was intense. I was so concerned about my social standing or lack thereof that I didn’t even invite my parents to open house because I was embarrassed by their Indian accents.
Looking back, it’s clear that these experiences were a masterclass in the irrationality of teenage behavior. So, if you’re a parent with a teenager who suddenly thinks you’re the worst person in the world, don’t worry. It’s just a phase. They’ll grow out of it.
Adulthood: Quality Over Quantity
Adulthood brings a shift in focus from the quantity of friends to the quality of relationships. Lydia uses the analogy of rearranging furniture in a living room to describe how we prioritize friendships in adulthood. We might move some friends to an “outer room” as life circumstances change, but it’s crucial to ensure we have a core group that remains central in our lives. This conscious effort to prioritize and maintain these relationships, despite the challenges of adult life, highlights the dynamic nature of friendship and its importance in our well-being.
Proximity plays a significant role in maintaining adult friendships. With demanding careers, marriages, and families, the time available for friendships diminishes, making it essential to have friends nearby. Reflecting on my own life, adulthood mirrors my childhood in many ways because I’ve lived in various places and met different people as a result. I’ve found that friends I met in my twenties now talk to me once a year, while friends I met in my forties are the ones I hang out with weekly.
Moving to Boulder with a friend I used to play video games with once a week turned into a two-year roommate situation, and now he’s one of my best friends. It shows how crucial proximity and regular interaction are in building and sustaining strong adult friendships.
Old Age: A Lifeline of Support
As we transition into old age, the nature and importance of friendships continue to evolve. One thing I’ve noticed is that while the number of close friends may shrink, the depth of these relationships often deepens. Lydia Denworth’s research supports this observation, indicating that the quality of friendships becomes increasingly crucial for our well-being as we age.
Family also takes on a more prominent role in our social circles. It’s not that the friends we had before stop mattering. In fact, those long-standing friendships, even if we catch up infrequently, retain their significance. For example, friends from my late twenties might call once a year, and when we do catch up, it feels like old times, even though we’re not as close as we used to be.
Denworth highlights the science behind this phenomenon, explaining how our social needs change over time. “The older we get, the more we focus on the people who really matter,” she says. “We become more selective, choosing to invest our time and energy in the relationships that provide the most emotional support and fulfillment.”
This selectivity means that by the time we reach our forties and beyond, we often have a clearer sense of who our friends for life are. These are the people who will likely stand by us through thick and thin, those who might even be in our wedding parties if we get married later in life. The context of our lives shifts dramatically; people start families, move away, and their careers take different paths. One of my oldest friends from college is a great example. Though we only talk about once a year, our bond remains strong despite the vastly different paths our lives have taken — she with her three daughters, and me leading a single life.
Denworth’s research shows us how important social skills are, which we develop over our lifetime. We’re not really taught how to make friends; it’s something we learn by doing. But as we get older and our lives change, keeping and deepening friendships can become harder, yet more crucial. Her studies highlight that the work we put into our friendships is worth it, particularly as we deal with the changes and challenges that come with getting older.
The Value of Friendships in Every Stage of Life
Friendship changes a lot throughout our lives, but it always plays a big role in our happiness. Lydia Denworth’s research shows us that friendships always adapt, from when we’re kids to when we’re older. As we get older, having deep and meaningful friendships becomes more and more important. They give us emotional support and a sense of belonging.
When we’re kids, friendships help us learn how to socialize and be open to new experiences. During our teenage years, friendships are about finding our identity and fitting in. They often revolve around shared interests and social groups. As adults, it’s more about the quality of our friendships, which can be influenced by how close we live to each other and what stages of life we’re in.
When we’re older, we tend to focus more on family and a smaller group of very close friends. We become more selective about who we spend our time with, looking for emotional support and satisfaction. Even though our social circles may change, the basic need for connection stays the same. This shows how important it is to keep and nurture friendships throughout our lives.
Lydia Denworth’s research shows us how important friendships are at every stage of life. It backs up what we all know deep down: that connecting with others is vital for our health and happiness. As we go through the ups and downs of life, let’s remember to value and look after our friendships. They have the power to transform us and stay with us for a lifetime.
The Evolution of Friendship: A Journey Through Life’s Stages
Explore how friendships transform as we journey through life. Uncover the profound impact of these bonds at every stage and experience the rich tapestry of human connection. Delve into the complexities of friendship and how it shapes our lives. Listen Now.
